The once proud British Navy’s single most defining moment in the new millennium would appear to be the capture of their dinghy crew by the mighty Iranian navy.  After several weeks of hand wringing, oh yeahs, and skyrocketing prices at the gas pumps of the world, the crew is released unharmed upon admitting to piracy, sodomy and substandard international soccer skills. The proud sailors then hit the talk show circuit to make as much money as they can from their recent ordeal.

A fire at an Esso refinery causes a 10 cent hike in gasoline prices at the pumps (for all oil companies) and many Esso stations are required to close their pumps from time to time.  As opposed to taking advantage of their competition while they are down, the competition seems content to raise their prices by 10 cents too?

In a year that was essentially devoid of any real news, the English press makes Lady Di (now ten years dead their Newsmaker of theYear).  Across the pond Anna Nicole and Paris Hilton provide the hard news stories that our press needs to meet the lofty demands of their owners.

In the wake of the sudden death of Anna Nicole Smith, (so far) three men, including her lawyer and Eva Gabor’s 8^th husband, are claiming to have sired her only living heir (Her other son by a different marriage died mysteriously 6 months before Anna). Anna Nicole was a playboy bunny who became famous at age 26 by divorcing her first husband and quitting her job as a topless dancer to marry a wheelchair-bound 89 year old billionaire 63 years her senior just before he died.

Phizer Inc has dedicated 600 researchers and an annual budget of $270 million to develop new drugs for pets.  To date some of the drugs currently marketed by Phizer and their equally concerned (as long as you can afford their concern) competitors include drugs for motion sickness, appetite suppressants, antidepressants for separation anxiety, and doggie dementia blockers.

Related Statistic:  In 2007 North Americans spent close to $50 billion on their pets which is roughly twice as much as the combined foreign aid budgets of Canada and the United States.

Canada’s Menu Pet Food, the dominant player in the pet food industry was forced to recall sixty million cans and pouches of pet food because of tainted wheat gluten from China.

While the political brain trust of the Federation is busy arguing over who should and should not be the captain of the Canadian national hockey-team and whether captured Taliban fighters should be brought back to Canada and given a “house (to have) arrest” (in), over on the dark side of Canadian politics, the Parti Québécois quietly replaces its party leader with a lady.  [You will need to see my predictions to understand this headline – if you don’t already see it coming]

Just when we thought the Conservatives might be the only ones bent on selling us out to big business, Ontario’s Liberal Party proves that they haven’t missed the boat when it comes to “giving us the business.”  The Province of Ontario’s proposed, “Safeguarding and Sustaining Ontario’s Water Act” proposes to protect water from being diverted from the Great Lakes via a whopping $3.71 surcharge on every million litres of water consumed by water bottlers, canning companies and heavy industry. That’s progress for you.  Big Business will no longer be freeloading on our water-supply, while in some cases selling it (the same water supply we are already taxed to provide treatment infrastructure for) back to us for $1.69 per 1 litre bottle. To date Businesses have not indicated any plans for appealing this ghastly $0.00000371 operating cost and/or whether they will round it up to a penny and pass it along to the consumer.

 In a related story:  Apparently the new math being used in Alberta is not that much better. According to a MacLeans magazine article entitled, “Doomsday, Alberta Stands Accused”  the three oil sands projects currently operating in Alberta are now licensed to extract 349 million cubic metres of water a year, twice what’s required annually for the entire city of Calgary. With 20 more projects in the works, extractions from the Athabasca River could triple in the next decade. By 2020, the oil sands could use as much as half the river’s flow in winter, a time when it is at its lowest ebb and fish populations are most stressed. Alberta’s oil sands operations also struggle with the problem of what to do with the water once it’s been used. Only eight per cent can be made sufficiently clean to go back to the Athabasca. The rest stagnates in huge ponds. “Birds that land on them never take off.”  Consumption of natural gas, another critical oil sands ingredient, also boggles the mind. The industry’s daily consumption could heat 3.2 million homes for a day. Environmentalists have long decried the absurdity of wasting such huge quantities of reasonably clean energy to extract dirtier oil.

Politicians of all stripes are suddenly spinning a full 360 on the environment in their usual “small minded way” with well articulated plans and debates that generally translate into:

“I’m greener than you are.”

“No way, I’m greener than you!”

Oh yeah!

Proving that only his beard was dying, Osama bin Slidin’ silences previous rumors that he was at death’s door when he appears in this year’s 9/11 state of the nation redress sporting a trendy new makeover that some interpret as evidence that Al Queda might be one step closer to getting with the program.  Yes, after all of their bluster and bombs fail to overcome Anna Nicole, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears for America’s attention, Al-Qaeda re-chanels their effort from shock and sabotage to schlock and superficial – it works, for a minute (now back to our program).