Date registered: January 6, 2016
Jan 01
Less than a year after calling in the Army to plow their streets subsequent to a relatively normal Canadian winter snowfall, Toronto sends their snow removal teams to Buffalo, New York. Not surprisingly, the US National Guard was also called in to clear the streets of Buffalo, but this reporter is not sure whether that was before or after they received the aid from Toronto.
Jan 01
Even after they forced Napster to close shop, people still wouldn’t buy their one hit wonder CD’s (no wonder).
Jan 01
Despite criticism of the declining levels of literacy in (and outside of) our schools, the city continues to close public libraries on weekends for all but 5 of the 63 hours from 6:00pm Friday to 9am on the following Monday morning.
Jan 01
Not long after (quietly) announcing an agreement to open new production facilities in China and then tabling overly optimistic revenue expectations, several key Nortel managers cash in their stock options at a very profitable and overly inflated premium prior to reporting actual profits. The ensuing sell-off prompts the Toronto Stock Exchange to cancel trading at least once and Nortel ultimately lays off roughly 40,000 employees and cripples the stock portfolios of a lot more Canadians, most of them pensioners or soon to be retired – which is exactly what those Nortel managers are today; although their nest eggs are apt to be a little more intact than ours.
Runner Up: In an attempt to distance himself from the Shawinigate scandal, Prime Minister Jean Cretien eliminates the middle-man by identifying Shawinigan in the return address labels on most Canadian income tax returns.
Jan 01
A Knight’s Tale.
Joust about the best musical since…(Eddie and the Cruisers II). It doesn’t register on the Academy of Motion Pictures scope of likely candidate’s and every girl I mentioned this choice to has looked at me as if I was a moron – need I say more (Note: this particular question is directed at you guys out there)?
Jan 01
Only Time by Enya.
This song echoes back to the golden age of the Celts (i.e. the copper age – circa 300BC). I may be showing the bias of my Celtic heritage; but, then again, as I gaze into my mirror at a person that is now more apt to be mistaken for Santa Clause than guys named Achmed or Franco; coupled with what I see and hear in the Music stores of today, I am thinking that older is definitely better.
Jan 01
Based on mounting (hersay) evidence, that women don’t sweat, swear, snore, fart or burp, a panel of life science experts (and the Office of Homeland Security) recommend that men should cut women a little slack in the bitching department. It’s their esteemed opinion that if, women aren’t aloud to bitch a little every now and then they could explode with all that stuff bottled up inside them.
Jan 01
Nature rebounds as an extraordinary number of animals on the brink of extinction make unprecedented recoveries. Environmentalists attribute this phenomena to the recent rash of deaths in epidemic proportions among hunters, fishermen and lumberjacks from what has been coined the “DetroIT Syndrome”. Most died of starvation and/or drowning as the electrical in their off-road vehicles shorted out while crossing streams. Without electricity they were unable to open their windows or doors.
The U.S. Dollar bounces back with a vengeance to record high exchange rates thanks to the introduction of Eurodollar, or more accurately the Euro 2 Dollar coin. That’s right, not learning from a similar Canadian experiment gone bad, the European Market learns that, psychologically (and therefore economically) speaking, loose change is not accorded the same esteem as it’s paper predecessor (i.e. it’s not considered to be worth the paper it’s not printed on).
After many failed attempts at peace on earth, North America’s musicians finally end suffering on the planet by “not singing”.
Leonardo di Caprio and Tom Cruise are ordered onto steroids and ponytails are outlawed on all male action heroes in Hollywood after the US Secretary of Interior Defense discovers an undeniable correlation between the rise in terrorism and other Third World Anti-American activity and the loss of John Wayne and the relative demise of Eastwood, Bronson, Stallone and Schwarzenegger as box office stars.
On merit of it’s successful handling of the Mad Cow scare, the department of Agriculture takes over the fight against Anthrax (another epidemic of bovine origin) from the Office of Homeland Security. They immediately round up anyone who has visited Florida and/or the Senate and slaughter them; thereby, solving not only the Anthrax problem but also the rising costs of pension contributions in support of the rising numbers of senior citizens.
Without an army to send to war or an arms industry to profit from someone else’s war, Japan becomes the first industrial nation to collapse as a result of the Global recession.
Jan 01
It was a relatively ordinary year at our house (if abnormal can be considered, in fact, normal). I won’t bore you with the details – if you want those you can check our home video’s (syndicated nationally and loosely disguised as a fictional television offering entitled, “Malcolm in the Middle.”)
Thing 1 played baseball, took swimming and skating lessons and lost his first tooth in 2001 – but when asked what he remembered most about the year, he responded without hesitation, “Grammy R’s hot cinnamon rolls.”
Thing 2 also learned to skate, took swimming lessons and started school last year. He would not, however, surrender his most memorable moment of 2001 but that shouldn’t surprise anyone since he rarely surrenders anything without a fight, bribes or complex diplomatic negotiation (usually instigated and won by him). That’s not to say that Thing 2 is an overly contrary 4 year-old, however he does have his moments. Point in reference: December 29, 2001 he hit’s his 11 year-old cousin and makes him cry. Later that night, when I take him to the bathroom for his midnight whizz, still half asleep, his eye’s suddenly open into Spaghetti Western slits and, while ordering me to leave him alone, he smacks me in squarely the face.
Ma learned that she should be careful what she wishes for. I don’t think 7 days in the hospital just prior to Christmas was the Club Med vacation she was looking for. On second thought, one week of breakfast in bed, room service and cable television – without the boys and I, our laundry, lunch and listless, listeningless behavior might not be such an unpleasant memory after all.
And Pa you ask? What was his most memorable moment? Did I mention that Thing 2 smacked me in the head a couple days ago? I’m not sure that’s a legitimate number one memory so much as it may be my only memory courtesy of the ensuing brain damage.