Donny Despot cements his legacy as the America’s all-time Pardoner-in-Chief when he pardons all statues everywhere of past, present and future crimes against race and/or humanity.

The Dodder orders the execution by firing squad of all democrats on the grounds that they are not in his (so by extension the public’s) best  interests.  His republican lackeys (and everyone else in America – and the world) can only sit back and try not to say or do anything that he might “believe” is also not in his best interests.

After blowing up the White House rather than surrendering it to Biden, America’s outgoing Big Baby La La-in-Chief claims that his explosion was way bigger than Kim Jong-Un’s.

Citing last year’s late breaking death by Covid-19 of a 41 year-old US Republican Congressman-Elect with no preexisting conditions as their last straw, the American Medical Association officially adds Republicanism to the growing list preexisting illnesses that could lead to death by Covid-19. President Joe Biden says he is not lemming the influence of America’s last Shepherd-in-Fleece to cause any more unnecessary deaths when he orders Animal Control Officers in Red Republican States to use helicopters to locate and dart gatherings of those flocking lunatics that still flock to the idea that herd mentality trumps mental illnessity.

In response to a shitty outlook for the American dollar’s popularity as the global currency of choice, the US mint announces a plan to bolster its demand on world markets by printing their money on toilette paper.  Sadly their plan backfires due to sudden “runs” on their banks and their failure to account for the facts that: “#1”- the mindless masses continue to piss their money away on whatever they are told is trending; and “#2” – butt now they can flush it down the toilette twice as fast.

Netflix announces a shitty new series called the Walking Braindead, a new more realistic spin-off of their incredibly popular Walking Dead zombie apocalypse franchise.  In “loo” of brains, these zombies are after your dwindling supply of toilet paper in a post-apocalyptic world where everyone is losing their shit to keep one step ahead of the unclean horde.  Unlike their smarter “brain (food) fed” cousins who can only “turn you” with a bite, just being touched by one of these toilet paperless zombies, gives you an immediate desire to wipe away their fingerprints even if it means turning on your friends for their supply of white.

We learn that last year’s rebound in Kodak share prices was just a “flash in the pan” when they return to negatives after demand for their New Improved Kodak Bleach fails to develop.  Both investors and American tax payers see themselves as having been overexposed when Kodak declares bankruptcy (again) and defaults on the (small?) $750 Million loan they received from D.A.D. (aka Donald the Artful Dealer), himself a 6 time loser (if you are just counting bankruptcies).

In a (funeral) veiled attempt to convince people to stop voting against him, the Donnie Despot Campaign 2024, extends an olive branch when it offers anyone who didn’t vote for him in 2020 free and immediate vaccination with the Russia’s highly effective Novichok vaccine.

In a vain effort to pick up chicks and stave off the march of time pending the next election the Dodder buys an Audi in order to make his heart beat.

The American Bible Belt enters the worst drought in the history of man when the real voice of god sentences them to wander 40,000 years in a Dust Bowl for worshiping their false idol (and self-acclaimed voice of God).