A picture of 735 ships at anchor off the coast of Singapore with no where to go pretty much summed things up in early 2009
Category Archive: Wreckollection
Jan 01
“Robin Hood, Robin Hood Rowing through the Glen”
Speaking of ships and tough times, you can really tell the economy has tanked when the pirates have downsized from pirate ships to pirate skiffs.
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2010
The Lung Flute, my choice for Innovation of the Year 2009, is surreptitiously quashed by Big Drug when they realize that it will inevitably eat into their profitable ($3.5 billion per annum) common cold curing drug scams.
The doctor who agreed to a fertility treatment consisting of the in vitro implantation of 6 embryos in an unemployed, soon to be homeless, unmarried mother of 6 is agog when said mother sues him for child support.
In a related prediction: In an attempt to bail out his struggling team of economic advisors through the implantation of some new blood and ideas, Obama hires Octomommy, Nadya Suleman, as his new Economic Advisor “at large“. Her advice for this, that and everything else … [hooda thunk?] …make babies. Oddly enough, in most if not all cases she is right. More proof that there is a thin line between a genius and a fool (and/or an investment banker and a welfare case).
The Iraqi reporter convicted of assaulting George W. Bush with a shoe is expunged of all charges when he wins his appeal on the grounds that the President was more likely to choke to death on his own shoes during an interview given his frequent tendency to wind up with his foot (or sometimes both feet) in his mouth.
In an attempt to avoid overreacting to the Port Hood shootings but still wanting to send a strong message that such an incident can never be allowed to happen again, US Government political strategists come up with a foolproof can’t lose solution: They inter all American psychiatrists in concentration camps until the war on terror is over.
In a related prediction: California implodes when the bulk of its population can no longer get the therapy they need to survive life in California – especially the part where they have to cope with waiting in long lines not knowing if they will ever get their coveted micro pig.
Canada’s conservation industry’s capture and release program cannot keep up with a deluge of unexpected orders placed from arms dealers and tin pot dictators for the new Canada Goose air to air anti-aircraft defense system.
Last year’s longer is better design from Ford inadvertently touches off a building boom as everyone needs to build an extension to their garage. Sadly (or fortunately for the economy) all of those renovated car ports will have to be redone all over again because Ford decides to standard equip all of their 2011 vehicles with monster truck tires that require the garage ceilings to be raised.
Osama bin Hiden’s penchant for delivering his annual “the Armageddon is coming” message via home movies proves his undoing. Now considered an international movie star, the Pentagon no longer needs to rely on their B-Team of Spy Satellites and Intelligence Agencies to hound him “to the edges of the earth”. They call in the Paparazzi and voila… Osama bin Found!
In a related prediction: Islamic Fundamentalists are crushed everywhere, not by the American War Machine, but by the Mattel Marketing Machine. On the heels (can’t be seen under the) Burka Barbie, their “Osama Ken Have Anythin” doll turns future generations into the very image of their enemy – western greed and largess.
Peace on earth and good will is achieved. Not through the hard work of Obama or any of the Religions du Jour, but due to a lot of failed media giants and news agencies. Forced to cut back and lay off staff, they have only enough reporters left to cover “real” news as opposed to contrived, “if it bleeds it leads”, Hollywood headline news.
“High” on the success of last year’s Totally Tattoo Barbie, Mattel takes the next logical step and releases Crack Ho Barbie.
Hounded by Parliament, the Media and the Canadian Public to explain why he felt it necessary to prorogue Parliament for 3 months until the Winter Olympics ended, Canadian PM Harper dodges the question and instead announces that he will prorogue Parliament until the upcoming Tim Horton’s Roll-up the Rim to Win event ends.
In a related prediction: Canada’s Prime Minister Harper is ousted but lands on his feet when Russian Prime Minster Vladimir Putin immediately hires him as his Minister of Image, Communications and Democratic Reform.
In another related prediction: Russian PM Putin is mortified when he realizes that his new Minister of Image, Communications and Democratic Reform turns out to be too hard line for even Putin’s ex-KGB tastes. Alas he cannot remove the guy because Harper refuses to accept his calls and prorogues the Russian Parliament until the upcoming “So You Think You Can Dance Like a Cossack” festival is completed.
Governments and Drug Companies everywhere collaborate on a universal inoculation program against the annihilation of mankind in 2012. Cost: countless trillions of dollars. Benefits: An unqualified success (and/or peace of mind).
Jan 01
Vital Statistics 2009
|
Vital Statistics |
2009 |
2008 |
2007 |
2006 |
| a Canadian dollar is worth | $ 0.95US | $ 0.82US | $ 0.96US | $ 0.86US |
| a domestic postage stamp costs | $ 0.54 | $ 0.52 | $ 0.51 | $ 0.51 |
| a local call on a Bell pay phone | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 | $ 0.50 | $ 0.25 |
| a liter of Pepsi costs | $ 2.29 | $ 1.99 | $ 1.79 | $ 1.79 |
| a liter of water costs | $ 1.89 | $ 1.79 | $ 1.69 | $ 1.39 |
| a liter of milk costs (purchased in a four liter bag) | $ 1.25 | $ 1.29 | $ 1.19 | $ 1.25 |
| a liter of gasoline costs | $ 0.95 | $ 0.66 | $ 1.04 | $ 0.87 |
| a loaf of bread costs | $ 1.99 | $ 2.69 | $ 1.67 | $ 2.29 |
| a paperback novel costs | $12.99 | $11.99 | $12.99 | $11.99 |
| a weekly (Time) magazine costs | $ 6.99 | $ 4.95 | $ 5.95 | $ 5.95 |
| a comic book costs | $ 2.99 | $ 2.99 | $ 3.99 | $ 3.99 |
| a daily newspaper costs | $ 1.19 | $ 0.94 | $ 0.94 | $ 0.93 |
| a regular bus ride costs | $ 2.30 | $ 2.00 | $ 1.90 | $ 1.90 |
| a medium cup of coffee costs | $ 1.27 | $ 1.22 | $ 1.17 | $ 1.17 |
| a basic cable television package | $29.99 | $28.49 | $27.49 | $25.99 |
| a first run movie rental costs | $ 5.99 | $ 4.79 | $ 4.39 | $ 5.39 |
| an adult movie theatre ticket costs | $10.50 | $ 9.95 | $ 9.95 | $ 9.95 |
| a children’s movie theatre ticket costs | $ 7.99 | $ 7.95 | $ 7.95 | $ 7.95 |
| a babysitter (for Things 1 & 2) costs | $ 8.00/hr | $ 8.00/hr | $ 8.00/hr | $ 8.00/hr |
| Minimum wage (Ontario) | $ 9.50/hr | $ 8.75/hr | $ 8.00/hr | $ 7.75/hr |
| an adult men’s haircut | $ 15.75 | $ 15.50 | $ 14.25 | $12.95 |
| a medium combination pizza | $ 15.50 | $ 15.45 | $ 14.35 | $16.35 |
| a new home computer | $ 914.00 | $ 905.00 | $1387.00 |
Jan 01
Memory Lane at Our House 2009
Ma will remember 2009 as the year that she squandered most of her summer vacation at a nice cottage on a not so nice swamp.
Pa will remember 2009 as the year he was finally downgraded from Superman to mild-mannered reporter. Having tolerated more doctors and blood tests in one year than he has seen in the last 50 and thumbing his nose at all the flu shots and other prescribed meds designed to make him feel poor and decrepit, he angrily awaits the results of the next series of tests designed to convince him to buy drugs [for the rest of his miserable life].
Thing 1 remembers 2009 as the year he went to his 1st Rock Concert – Three Days Grace.
Most Memorable News Event: H1N1
Favorite TV Show: Fringe
Favorite Movie: Transformers 2
Favorite Music: Three Days Grace
Thing 2 remembers 2009 as the 1st year that his calendar (and everything else on his walls) outlasted his temper tantrums. He also scored his Blue Belt in Jiu Jitsu and won Silver in the city-wide Mixed Martial Arts Grappling Championship.
Most Memorable News Event: How Michael Jackson’s death hogged all the attention of all of the media all of the time.
Favorite TV Show: StarGate Atlantis (and Everyone Hates Chris)
Favorite Movie: Transformers 2
Favorite Music: definitely NOT Fireflies (or Evangeline).
Jan 01
New Year Resolutions 2010
Pa will never, never, never ever again (even if it kills him) resort to dieting to lose weight. Olympic wrestlers and high fashion models everywhere would marvel at the lengths he went over this past month to drop 4 pounds over last year? No small feat for a guy whose feet were limping to the Doctor more than they were racing (alright lumbering) around the track in 2009.
Ma will let Thing 2 go hungry (or fend for himself) at least every other night that he refuses to eat the same meal that she prepares for the rest of her nestlings. She will also attempt to silently let Pa muddle through from point A to B (at least once every other trip) the same way he has (apparently) accidentally managed to do without accident on all those occasions that she was not there to Globally Position and critique his every motor movement from her absolute (must) “control” position in the passenger seat.
Thing 1 will watch the BBC World News once every week to offset his ever growing digital divide to reality. He will also be launched (i.e. sent from his room) as opposed to grounded whenever his attitude indicates he has forgotten who really controls the vertical and the horizontal in these parts.
Thing 2 will learn to adapt to eat, sleep, and life cycles other than his own.
Jan 01
New Year Renovations 2010
Having failed to launch that kitchen makeover that was predicted over the past two years, I won’t even venture a guess this time around. Regardless of what Ma is cooking up as I type sleep run meander through 2010, I know it will make our home a happier place.
Jan 01
Epilogue
And that’s pretty much all I can (or care to) remember off the top of my head (and the bottom of my glass). Pig Flu, Pig Crap, Pig Pets and lots of governments and corporate executives everywhere making a sow’s year into an opportunity to pig out on the public purse.
p.s. Forget the scary piggy-pooh you have been hearing about that Mayan calendar, “end of days” scenario in 2012. Myown Calendar ended last night yet all appears well here in the New Year. Trust me on this one. My Grandmother was a medium and I am (still) an extra-large.
Jan 01
2008 Year-end Review
The Chinese called it the Year of the Rat. The United Nations dubbed 2008 the International Year of the Potato (and the International Year of the Sanitation; and International Year of Languages; and International Year of the Frog; and International Year of the Planet Earth). It was the year that General Motors turned 100 years old. 2008 also marked the 100th anniversary of:
- the Model T Ford
- Mother’s Day
- the Royal Canadian Mint
- the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation)
- Russia’s Tunguska Forest explosion
- the Harvard School of Business
- the “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” song
- Ann of Green Gables
As I recollect, without a whole lot of analysis, 2008 was a good for nothing kind of year. Our loonie soared and we got “nothing” to show for it. The bankers of the world got their comeuppance, but sadly we got little or no satisfaction given that we were to busy giving them our money to bail their sorry butts back into the black so the rest of us could continue to watch them throw their lavish management retreats as if they had “nothing” to do with the events that led to the global financial crisis. South of the border we saw a year of evangelical political posturing of Hollywood blockbuster purport that ended in the election of a president who could do “nothing” while his lame duck predecessor languished in office with “nothing” to do but wait for the moving vans. Here in Canada we actually did have an Act of Parliament passed that would fix the dates of all federal elections (but apparently that meant “nothing” to its author as he called a snap election for “nothing”). That election was run on a campaign of “nothing” that anyone really cared about and resulted in “nothing” but more of the same old, same old and an attempt by our PM “the economist” to solve a looming economic crisis by doing “nothing” but attempting to pass a law that would leave all Canadian opposition parties with “nothing” in their bank accounts to fight the next “nothing” election. Yep, in the greater scheme of things, 2008 gave us “nothing” more than a proroguy to remember it by (and I don’t know about you but that does “nothing” for me).
Jan 01
Story of the Year for 2008
$700,000,000,000 (a.k.a. $700 Billion and/or the new “$1.44 day” version of public teat bailouts)
The US Congress bails out their banks to the tune of $700 billion (plus what was previously spent on Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac). Across the pond, the U.K. announces a $700 Billion dollar bailout of their own for British bankers. Talk about your get out of jbail free. To put $700 billion into perspective, it is estimated that the US has spent approximately $700 billion on their war liberation investiture of Iraq, since it commenced in 2002. It is also $100 Billion more than the entire annual budget for all US social programs. In Canadian dollars, $700 Billion is the approximate total value of Canadian investments in Registered Retirement Savings Plans (or what they used to be worth before they went kerplunk courtesy of the fine mess our bankers got us into).
Expert Analysis: The 700 billion dollar figure has been selected, not based upon a Nobel Prize winning can’t miss formula, but more along the lines off its being the biggest number that can be pitched without being associated with the dreaded and probably more realistic Trillion dollar word – i.e. 750 Billion would become ¾ of a trillion dollars and any thing over that would be dubbed close to a Trillion – hence $700 billion. [Okay, I’ll admit that was actually my analysis; however, given that the experts got us into the predicament in the first place, perhaps that’s for the better.]