Headlines You Won’t See in Mainstream Year-End Reviews 2023
“Can I borrow the gun? OK, but only if you reload it and have it back by nap time.”
Related Statistic: There have been at least 82 school shootings in the United States as of December 17, more than in any year since 2008, when CNN began tracking shootings. Thirty of those were on college campuses and the remaining 52 were on K-12 school grounds. The incidents have left at least 39 people dead and 89 injured, according to CNN’s analysis of events reported by the Gun Violence Archive, Education Week and Everytown for Gun Safety.
There have been more than 654 mass shootings across the US so far this year, according to the Gun Violence Archive, which defines a mass shooting as an incident in which four or more people are injured or killed.
“For He’s a Pretty Good Cello”
Swiss courts found 4 Swiss bankers guilty of a lack of due diligence for their role in allowing Sergei Roldugin, a Russian cellist with no apparent other source of income, to deposit over $30million into their banks over a 2-year period. The cellist nicknamed “Putin’s wallet” is a childhood friend of Vladimir Putin and happens to be godfather to Putin’s oldest daughter. The four bankers had their licenses suspended for 2 years and were collectively fined a total of US$825,000. Bottom line: Putin may be the picture of stoicism when it comes to Russian lives, battles, and/or wars lost, but now that even Switzerland has taken a side, there is the very real possibility that he could lose his money and that my friends has got to be his greatest nightmare. Could this be the beginning of the end for Putin?
“Canadian jail bird apprehended for taking shit in prison.”
“Cloudy with no chance of extinction at precisely 7:27PM EST”
“Sorry you can’t wear a mask in this state.”
One for their win column, when Florida’s anti-masker psyche might have actually saved lives at a local nightclub. Yes, this large man made the small boo-boo while exercising his right to bear arms in Florida by drawing attention to himself by wearing a mask. He was probably also in violation of a universal nightclub dress code that tends to quash a man’s right to bare shoulders and arms a la the muscle(?) shirt look.
“International incidents balloon out of proportion.”
The Americans weren’t clowning around when they finally decided to shoot down what they called a Chinese spy balloon off their Carolina coast. After investigating the wreckage, the Pentagon determined that the spy balloon did not collect information. (Hey Bozo! Did you check the cloud?) Apparently, they had so much fun with that one, they organized a (hunting) party and invited their fighter pilots to blow up balloons all over the place.
“Hey, we didn’t gouge anyone. They were clearly already bleeding when they got here.”
“Putin suffers side-effects from his special operation.”
Vladimir Putin woke up seeing double and bordering on depression after learning that his special operation in Ukraine has led to Finland joining NATO and thereby doubling the extent the border he has to defend from any “real” enemy attack.
“Ok kiddies, maybe that cow didn’t actually jump over the moon.”
At the risk of milking an udder tragedy to pile on more evidence re the immediate, if not long-term effects of all that global warming crap, we see just how explosive the issue of bovine methane really is when 18,000 cows die after a Texas dairy farm explodes.
“The Terminator is nigh (with some striking differences)”
“Furry furor found fake.”
As thinking adults were grappling with the potential dangers AI, it was the mindless cat video and extreme right shock jockey movement that was causing everyone else to lose wish they had a litter box to lose their shit in. That’s right folks, last year’s furry furor was litter more than a hoax perpetrated by litter minds on the internet.
“There’s a storm coming, best get your ass to an Ankara. No! Not that one!”
“Beautiful dreamers spawn nightmare.”
“Something to be pried off from down under.”
A 51-year-old Australian who was attacked by a salt-water crocodile while swimming, managed to keep his head when he pried the jaws of his assailant open just enough head for safety. Although some crocodile tears may have been shed, no endangered species were harmed in the incident (so he aWOKE without being charged… or cancelled for his troubles).
“She won the race despite her head start at the end.”
“Witch whackjob needs sex appeal now?”
“Hey old sport, it might be time to clean the house of the old boy’s running this rag.”
We’re not sure what’s cooking in the corner office of Sports Illustrated but they might want to light a fire under whoever came up with this year’s anything but hot swimsuit issue. At 81-years-young, Martha Stewart made waves when she became the oldest Covergirl to ever grace the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Could be that the old boys upstairs need a hearing aid because her daughter and many of her past employees, cell mates, and business associates never called her Queen Beach.
“Forget all that Pamplona bull, now boatloads of tourists in Spain are dodging a different kind of raging bull.”
“Technical ups and downs fuel escalating angst in South Korea.”
“Mob Rules after John Gotti III attempts to whack Floyd Merriweather.”
“Because I want to be able to tell my offed spring I was there when things got really hot”
There is no denying that many (if not all) people are too stupid to evolve when we observe a mass (there’s that word again) gathering of humans hotly hoping to “be there” when earth experience’s it’s hottest day on record. I’m lemming you know now that they were disappointed; however, at the present pace of global COPS achievements they will have more and more chances in the future (and a much shorter march – if any – ahead of them).
“The American Way is becoming all the rage abroad too.”
“Although dead and buried even Elvis might have been all shook up.”
“Dude, Where’s My Jet?”
“Rapper Fails to beat rap after trying to make hip hopper hop.”
“Pasty Putin Projects Passion per Prigozhin’s Passing”
It took not one (Take 1) but two takes before Putin mastered his emotions enough to properly inform his people of a tragic air accident that took the life of the leader of Russia’s Vagner Group of mercenaries. Yevgeny Prigozhin was not only the only general that the Russian people recognized as a hero; he will also be remembered as the only Russian general to have mutinied against Putin’s special military operation as well as the only Russian general who did not accidentally die after falling from a window.
“He not only looked bats, man; he went all in to look like a Batman villain!”
Tearing, or perhaps stealing (indictment to follow) a page from Batman villain Two-Face’s police record, America’s Bad Loser-in-Chief poses for a mugshot that exposes his two faces (if not his best side) of bad. Yes, there is such a thing as bad (his mugshot), even if there is no such thing as bad publicity (his t-shirt).
“Loose Lips Sink [Champion] Ship”
It was the kiss that sucked (the taste of victory right out of her) when the President of the Spanish Soccer Federation, forgot the rules when laid the lips to Spain’s leading scorer after their women won the World Cup. What part of soccer is a non-contact sport did a person in his position not understand? Reminder: It’s OK to publicly rip your top off after scoring a goal in a net you can drive an 18-wheeler through (sideways)…if you are a guy. It’s also OK if you jump into the arms of and dry hump a teammate after scoring a goal. Everything else about “the beautiful game” is hands off – unless you are a goal tender then you, and only you, can touch the ball.
“Burning Man put out by heavy rains.”
“Small construction crew digs a hole deep enough to reach China.”
“Please keep your seatbelts securely fastened (and maybe take a nap) until the aircraft comes to a complete stop at the terminal.”
We’re sorry about the long-winded headline, but in our defence, this one is more about the wind than the airplane. For you readers who are tempted to cut to the next headline, just imagine how explosive the headline might have been if the pilot gave up so easily.
“Sick of passenger complaints Air Canada hurls them from the plane.”
“Our sticks and stones may break your bones, but your fashion can really hurt us.”
“Is the truth really out there?”
“If California is right, Big Oil’s smoking hot profits could soon go up in smoke?”
California has filed a lawsuit saying the oil industry is guilty of climate deception. “Climate change is real”, said no-one who works for Big Oil (or the Canadian Oilfields), ever. They might now be thinking, if only we had stopped there. California appears to be challenging an absence of any evidence tobackO[il’s] claim that climate change is, at best, bad science and, at worst, an evil cabal of every scientist in the world (not working for Big Oil) conspiring to tank the West’s economy while at the same time destroying the Country Music Industry by vilifying big, manly, man trucks.
“You can trust me, old-timer, I’m from the Alberta Government”
Alberta, the province where trust funds go to die, threatens to withdraw from the Canada Pension Plan on the grounds that they will get a better return for their constituents. Hopefully they have learned from past failures in an Alberta Heritage Fund that has seen little or no growth since 1987 while similar funds in Alaska and Sweden have grown exponentially by comparison. But hey, given that the financial wizards behind their bid have already performed a miracle of epic if not biblical proportion by growing the amount of the current CPP fund that would be given to them if they withdraw to a staggering 50% of the current CPP fund total. (Mathematician’s Note: Alberta’s population accounts for 15% of the Canadians currently covered by CPP). Good luck old timers.
“Really fast cars suck”
No, it’s not because there are speed cameras popping up faster than even the fastest car. It’s because the world’s fastest cars are using a vacuum sucking system to generate greater downforce, cornering stability, and speed.
“U.S. Repugnicans out themselves as enthusiastic card-carrying members of the WOKE Cancel Culture.”
Shortly after the Republican Party’s favorite Fire-Man-in-Chief with nothing nice to say about anyone or anything that is not extremely devoted to his divine right of deities is slapped with a gag order, The Republican’s fire their Speaker of the House for averting a complete government shutdown by making nice with the Democrats. The Repugnicans then struggle to come up with a Speaker from their Party that has nothing nice to say about anyone or anything that is not in agreement with their wildest and most extreme beliefs. Oh well, as the old adage (a.k.a. general truth) goes, if you have nothing nice (or true?) to say, who needs a speaker?
“The not-so fine art of being a tacky stuffed shirt.”
Although his heirs were less than appreciative when Bunga Bunga Billionaire Silvio Berlusconi hung his art collection on them, the collection itself was even less appreciative. The 25,000-piece portfolio that one expert artistically framed as being largely, “poor quality works of little to no value” is costing them almost a US$1 million a year to store.
“It’s not the cough that carries you off…”
“Sure, Artificial Intelligence is all fun and games… until someone looks at it sideways.”
In November, a South Korean robotics technician died after a new robotic arm that he was inspecting mistook his head for a vegetable, grabbed it, and crushed his chest and face against a conveyor belt. Eight months earlier, another South Korean “suffered serious injuries after getting trapped by a robot while working at an automobile parts manufacturing plant.” Are these just armed robotic weapons of mass production, exercising their right to bear arms or something more sinister that everyone everywhere might want to chat abot around (and with) what’re cooler heads.
“Dressed for success in our race to oblivion.”
“Thanks for the rescue but can you please now rescue us from the rescuers.”
“Watch out for that fork in the road.”
“Just another ElonGate[d] shit show of a year for X”
The richest man in the world musk really hate twitter. He had a bird when he realized there was no backing out of the deal in 2022 so, this year he unceremoniously buried the bird and X (a mark that is also commonly used to highlight errors) now marks the spot. Perhaps, fearing his message was falling on dense ears, Elon followed up with a litany of other mistakes throughout the year to ensure the bird does go down and stays down…forever.
“The Hunter and the Hunted, witch hunting party has the best lawyers?”
While the biggest child ever to occupy the Oval Office in White House was not running out of reasons to hate being hauled into to court to answer for his alternate facts of law (and witch hunts), Hunter, the man-child of the current U.S. President in the Oval Office was also facing criminal charges. In the meantime, Repugnican house leaders were busy hunting for reasons to impeach Hunter’s dad. Regardless of the outcome of any or all ensuing trials or elections, both sides of the political divide seem to be holding their noses and accepting that they, the people, are going to be sentenced to 4 more years of spoilage and/or decay in the Oval Office.
“Can Slow and Steady Really Win the Face?”
Is snail slime the key to ageless beauty, or is it just more snake oil from the cover-up kings of cosmetics? No-one nose for sure but my voices agree that technically it might not apply as snake oil, given that snails are mollusks rather than reptiles; coupled with the fact that things would not have gotten nearly so ugly on that ill-fated Hollywood film flight if, as opposed to snakes, its escaped escargot resulted in Snails on a Plane.
“Military grade breast enhancements for the front’
Topless no more, the fairer fighting contingent of the U.S. Army is looking forward to top up their equipment with a new flame-resistant Tactical Brassiere.
“Putin’s Patriotic Polish Profiteers Picket”
Although hundreds of thousands of Russian soldiers (and/or casualties), rockets, and drones cannot bring the Ukraine to its knees, a couple dozen disgruntled Polish truckers decide to exercise their democratic right to blockade the Ukrainian border (without being shot, run over by tanks, and/or provided gainful (oops) painful employment in a Gulag) on the grounds they think that Ukrainian truckers are profiting more than they are from the war.
