Headlines You Won’t See in the Mainstream 2018 Year-End Reviews

“Tanking automobile think tank banks on tanks to make their industry great again”

Detroit automakers anchor their plan to combat sinking profits by focussing their production on pickup trucks and SUVs proving that, although some people drink from the fountain of logic, the Detroit automakers prefer to gargle.  

“Australian life guards applauded for just droning it in”

 While immersed in a training exercise Australian lifeguards use their new toy to respond to a call for help.    

“His blindsight is 20/20 when it comes to intelligence”

America’s Naysayer-in-Chief continues to defy intelligence (…and intelligence reports).

“Now even Germany is agassed with VW’s assault on human decency (and humans).

They’re baaaack! Volkswagen and their other German automaker brethren are no longer monkeying around in an attempt to debunk concerns about the health effects of diesel emissions.  German authorities are fuming after reports that the automakers are now subjecting monkeys and men (women too) to diesel exhaust tests.

“Boldly parking where no man has parked before”

Elon Musk proves that not even the sky is the limit for how far a true visionary may need to look before he can find that perfect parking spot. SpaceX uses the world’s largest rocket (his Falcon Heavy) to launch Elon’s Tesla roadster into that big parking space in the sky.  As I type his roadster is still circling somewhere between Earth and Mars and it is expected to continue in that holding pattern for many millions of years.

“Robot flips out in burger joint”

A restaurant in California had to terminate their robot after its first day of employment when it became apparent that Artificial Intelligence was not yet smart enough for the mindless task of flipping burgers in a fast food establishment.

“Smart Cars Dumb People – The Key to Stupidity”

An Ontario woman accidentally steals a car and goes on two week vacation courtesy of the latest not-so smart keyless ignitions.

“Russian President Putin deems Fox News to be the West’s best alternative to his own state-run news agency” 

On the heels of public outrage in America over their president’s performance at the US-Russia summit in Helsinki, Russian President Vladimir Putin (the global poster boy for fair and balanced transparency) grants an exclusive post-summit western news interview to Fox News in lieu of his state-owned TASS news agency/propaganda machine.

“Intercontinental football fanaticism escalatoring to Cold War”

US/Soviet relations sink to new lows in what can only be described as a broken arms (and legs) race to the bottom.  Shortly after Clemson University football fans crash through a floor while celebrating their school’s victory, intercontinental sports fanaticism escalators when drunken European football (a.k.a. soccer) fans are Russian to show how low they can go.

“Moscow russian to convince world that spies are people too”

Putin calls two men accused of being Russian spies who used a nerve agent to attempt to murder a Russian defector and his daughter in England, “ordinary citizens”. They call themselves “ordinary tourists”.  What can I say?  It’s situation normal in Russian politics.

“Doesn’t anyone want put the owe in Olympics?”

 Calgary (Canada) became the 20^th city to say thanks but no thanks to an opportunity to host the 2026 Winter Olympics.

“Why sush-I  be worrying about trivial things like global warming and mercury poisoning?”

This year we learned that deep-sea bacteria are quickly consuming the Titanic.  Because they eat about 180kg (400lbs) a day, scientists have given the wreck a waning life expectancy of “…20 to 50 more years”.  If it takes 1 day for those microbes to eat 400lbs of titanic steel, how long before all those 40lb drums of toxic waste that have been legally (and now illegally) dumped off the coasts of Canada and the US have laid waste to our fish stocks?  Is it time to kiss our maths goodbye?

“Because when it comes to love boats, size matters.”

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines launched the world’s biggest, if not sexiest love boat this year.  The 1188 foot, 18 story Symphony of the Seas houses 5,518 guests, a crew of 2,200 and 2 robot bartenders.

“Just another tanked drunk for the drunk tank”

A National Guardsman was charged with a DUI after he liberated an armoured vehicle from his base and led more than a dozen police cruisers on a two hour medium-high speed chase through the busy streets of Richmond, Virginia.   Meanwhile in California, a less driven group of tanked suspects have not been so difficult to pull over.