Predictions for the Year 2026
Still reeling from allegations of eavesdropping on their clients, Apple announces that SIRI has been DOGEd and replaced by a more reliable virtual assistant called Guy (because everyone knows guys never listen).
Delta Airlines introduces a new cabin surcharge for passengers who prefer to land upside right. Other airlines are all head over heels to follow their lead.
The United States of Donny Pardon announces his stance on crime has made it the least corrupt country on the planet. This is confirmed when a nonpartisan crime census finds that, not only is there not a single inmate convicted of corruption or fraud to be found in American prisons anywhere, but its Department of Justice and the FBI have reported that they have not investigated a single case of corruption since their Don took office.
The National Guard and ICE agents are called up to break down the doors of everyone in Washington DC and then frog-march the occupants to attend the Mad King’s second annual birthday parade.
America’s Herb Tarlek-In-Chief sells Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu the first of his $5,000,000 Gold Cards as a fast track to American citizenship. Only people who did not have $5 million in their sock drawer were surprised to discover that those Gold Cards doubled as get out of jail free cards when Donny Pardon also granted them a blanket pardon on all past, present, and future crimes of any kind…anywhere in the world.
Canada’s economy surpasses that of the Tarrific States of America when it all of its surplus lumber, aluminum, and other raw materials that Americans can no longer afford to purchase and use that surplus to build processing plants and refineries to make the products that the Americans can no longer afford the Canadian raw materials to make and sell back to us at prices we would have been no longer be able to afford.
Canada’s employment picture surpasses all other countries in the world when jobs, jobs, jobs are created by building and operating all that abovementioned industrial processing infrastructure. Its smaller workforce and innovation quotient is bolstered when all the smarter unemployed Americans see the light and emigrate across the border from their nutso tariffic United States of Medical Bankruptcies.
Not knowing which way to turn, terrified Russian Generals rise to oust Putin from office. They immediately open talks with the West and offer to disarm their nuclear stockpile in return for immediate foreign aid to treat their chronic state of PTSD (from a fear of going outdoors and dying on the street coupled with the terror of being indoors and accidentally falling out their windows).
Americans on both sides of the divide flip out when King Donald’s two-faced coin creates predictable chaos everywhere as uncertainty abounds because, no matter how you look at it, every toss of the coin always comes up a loser.
MAGA Nation implodes when they are aWOKEn to the realization their King might be transitioning to WOKE in his claim, to the contrary, that everyone who participates in such a coin toss will always come up a winner.
American conspiracy theorists wig out on their Mad King when, courtesy of his pointless trade war with Canada, they can no longer find let alone afford the aluminum foil required to properly insulate their heads from reality.
Russia claims to have successfully engineered the world’s most successful military recruiting campaign when 90% of their male population volunteers to fight in Ukraine (shortly after they arrest and charge 100% of their able-bodied male population on trumped up charges of treason).
Argentina spends $20 billion dollars on an advertising campaign aired on a dark web forum that exclusively serves deep state White House officials, friends, and family. Without naming names, it reminds subscribers that since the end of WWII in 1945, Argentina has been the country of choice for disappearing ousted fascist Nazi criminals and their money. The commercials will run for three years until the clock strikes midnight on January 19, 1929, at which time their carriage [of said commercial] will turn into an inauguration.
America’s Rotund Royal-in-Chief wins the Nobel Prize in Medicine for eliminating obesity in America through his tireless effort to deny and ignore America’s food affordability crisis.
Flush with an ocean of new congresspeople who have crawled out of his artfully redrawn electoral districts, Crocodile DonDoh! realizes he’s going to need a bigger swamp and sends congress home (again) so he can build a big beautiful golden pond annex onto the House of Representatives.
MAGA nation finds itself in the depths of despair and doesn’t know what (or how?) to think when their artificially intelligent master and influencers force them to work in mindless dead-end jobs that were vacated by more ambitious and more educated immigrants who were not averse to starting at the bottom.
Flotscrum wins the Nobel Prize in Surreal Literature for its unrelenting, brave, and selfless dedication to following all of the news (so you don’t have to) in even the darkest of times and years; for connecting all of the dots; and then parsing it out for the rest of the world in an upbeat fashion as opposed to the beat up state in which was found.
