When faced with the prospect of having to answer for the skyrocketing U.S. national deficit and his own connections with Haliburton, he commits the “(5 time) Draft Deferee” cum Board of Director’s version of falling on his sword – he accidentally shoots his lawyer.
Category Archive: Wreckollection
Jan 01
My “Truth is Out There” award goes to… the Islamic Fundamentalists
Honorable mention must go to the ones who release two CNN reporters after those reporters agree to convert to Islam on international television. Sadly none of our national news agencies pick up on this ironic slip from the forces of evil who champion a religion of peace that has been for all intents and purposes spread at sword point. Fortunately, for our CNN media buddies, the bible does not mete out the death penalty for Christians who change faith.
Jan 01
My “Blind Faith meets Blind Justice” award goes to… Lebanese Army and Police officials
Lebanese officials are at a loss as to how to distinguish Hezbollah terrorists from their general population. News flash: A Fajr-3 rocket with a range of 45km is required to reach Haifa, Israel from Lebanon. Given that the Fajr-3 is 17 feet long, they might start by looking for the guys with the 17 foot bulge in their pants.
Jan 01
My “Theory of a Deadman” award goes to… a dieing record industry
…and all those new bands who exhaust their creative song writing juices coming up with a band name and then crank out the same old, same old based upon the CSI Television formula of “if I write about a city I will have an endless supply of material to draw upon.” Take for example the following examples of what just might be the most overplayed songs of 2006:
Beverly Hills by Weezer
Santa Monica by Theory of a Deadman
Pretty Vegas by INXS
Jan 01
New Words (invented by yours truly) 2006
Moronics: noun (from the root just look around you at all those morons)
1) A fusion of the faculties of psychology, marketing and economics specifically focusing on how many new and often useless features are required to be added to electronic gadgets such as cell phones or nose hair trimmers in order to get consumers to throw out last year’s model and buy the new one; 2) Persons with an insatiable desire to be (joined at the) hip with new electronic technology designed to monitor their behavior and/or movement.
Jan 01
Headlines you won’t see in those mainstream Year-end Reviews 2006
(Hurting) Headitor’s note: Its late, its New Years Eve, and I’SATIREd, sauced please accept that some (or all) of my wreckollections of the year gone by might be a bit scotchy. You should double-check my fracts with some more staid and reputable news sources before using any of the stories that I have dismembered from last year in a serious conversation.
Jan 01
“Western Allahstrations Bomb in Muslim Community” (or “Cartoon, Car Bomb, What’s the Difference?”)
Muslim extremists prove they lack any sense of humor (or irony), when they threaten to continue blowing things up if the West doesn’t start taking their threats more seriously.
Jan 01
“Canada Speaks but Conservatives don’t”
Shortly after Canadians elect a Conservative Minority to speak for them in Parliament, the Conservative leader Stephen Harper orders those elected officials to keep quiet unless otherwise authorized by his office.
Jan 01
“When the Leadership Sinks”
Paul Martin announces that since he can’t be Prime Minister he is taking his ball and glove and going home. Actually, what he really meant was, “The parties over, you can keep your leader ship, I’m going back to my fleet of ships.” To say no-one seems to want his job would not be wholly accurate since every one (of the party no-ones) announces they will make a bid for the leadership. Sadly it was not everyone and their dog, since their dog would have been a more marketable party leader (provided that said dog was a French poodle).
Jan 01
“Smart Cards for Dumb People”
Canadians are now required to show ID cards when crossing the border into U.S. Some claim it to be an unfortunate by-product of heightened U.S. Homeland Security; however, insiders at the White House claim that their past approach of distinguishing Canadians from Americans by simply talking with them in order to determine their heightened level of intelligence (as compared to their cousins south of the border) no longer works. Canadians are now coming across as just about as stupid if not stupider than their American counterparts.
Related Story: Conservatives take credit for stemming the flow of Canadian “brain drain” south of the border.