While on the subject of American Pie it is now official. Even the experts are talking about the lack of quality music in the industry. MTV, the premier American cable music channel launches MTV Canada on April 18 under a license to broadcast in Canada as a …“Talk Channel.” I’ve been telling you for years now that there is little if any music worth listening to these days. Now even the industry is coming around to my way of thinking. Anyone want to buy an empty iPod?
Category Archive: Wreckollection
Jan 01
“Hide and Sikh”
Now that the Gomery Commission has come to a close with the fallguys having been sent to jail for a couple months, the unemployed judges and lawyers cash their paycheques and belly up to the bar once more for another round of hiding from the fact that any witnesses against the Sikh Air India bombers are either dead or prone to becoming so. That’s right folks, now that the costliest criminal proceedings in Canadian history (estimated at about $130 million) have come to their close, Stephan Harper’s “let’s run this country differently” Conservatives announce there will be a “public inquiry” into the bombing of Air India 182 – how it occurred, why the law has failed to find those responsible and whether it could happen again.
Jan 01
“Hello Mullah, Hello Fatwa we are your boy’s in Camp Ca-nah-dah”
… but don’t take us home my darling Mullah, cause we still prefer the freedom and living arrangements here and, oh look, the infidels are giving us each a lawyer at their expense – Mullah, Fatwa kindly disregard this letter. Yes, Canada can finally claim …well, according to Canadian authorities, anything that does not include the words Muslim or Islam when they thwart a plot by 17 young Canadian “startlelists” to blow up the Toronto Stock Exchange and sundry other misdemeanors such as attacking Canada’s Parliament and beheading its Prime Minister. While the rest of the world is glued to their television sets (albeit for World Cup soccer coverage) Canadians everywhere despair that this may have been their last chance to have actually seen any real parliamentary reform under Stephan Harper’s Conservatives.
Best Related Quote:
“…Muslims fear repercussions over tomorrow’s train bombing.”
— Angus Jung
Runners up:
“Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals can believe them.”
—George Orwell
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
—Albert Einstein
Jan 01
“Lebanese Isreali conflict morphs into the Lebanon Isreally Canadian conflict.”
Canadians everywhere (except Lebanon and Florida) wonder how so many Canadian citizens can invest so much time and Canadian money in a “hot spot” half way around the world and then demand to be immediately removed from harm’s way when their life and/or pursuit of happiness is in jeopardy.
Jan 01
“What’s Eating You?”
The year opened with another case of Mad Cow but it was lost in a tsunami of other tainted food announcements – tainted spinach, tainted carrot juice, tainted lettuce, tainted onions and a MapleLeaf Ham recall. Meanwhile, some fat cats in British Columbia found themselves crying a river when a “Pineapple Express” flooded their high end properties. Sadly, just when it looks like candy is the only safe foodstuff, Hershey discovers Salmonilla poisoning in one of its main Canadian plants.
In a related story: Canadians rate of obesity has slowed for the first time since they started tracking the trend. That is not to say we are losing weight, just getting fatter at a slower rate.
Jan 01
“Slim Pickings at Spanish Fashion Event”
Super-models who do not weigh at least 123 pounds are: 1) disqualified from participating in an International fashion show staged in Spain, and 2) forced to undergo mandatory psychiatric examinations.
Jan 01
“Nuclear Nut-Proliferation Act – Because God Wills It”
George W. Bush is no longer the only nut on the planet with a nuclear bomb. Him Dim (or possibly mentally) Ill Jung, explodes North Korea’s first nuclear bomb. Meanwhile amullah guy in Iran, Mahmood (swings when) Ahmadinenejad continues to strive toward the completion of one of his own. In an attempt to distance himself from these lunatics, Mars the God of War introduces “Nut Free” Mars bars just in time for Halloween.
Jan 01
Memory Lane at Our House 2006
Pa forgot more than he remembered over the course of the year, but he will never forget destroying his calf in a tennis match with Thing 1.
Ma will remember 2006 as the year her dad followed in her footsteps with a belly operation.
Thing 1 cannot recollect any overly memorable good or bad experiences over the past year (possibly because be can’t differentiate reality from Game Cubedumb. His news story of the year was one that reported Japanese fishermen who landed a living fossil thought to be extinct until now (sounds hard to swallow even for a culture that eats raw fish). Favorite Television Show: One Piece. Favorite Movie: Tossup between Eragon and Happy Feet
Thing 2 tells me that his most memorable moment from 2006 was the opening light show at the IMAX cinema before “Night at the Museum”. Must have been something given it was also the year he witnessed the Cirque du Soleil, spent a week at a cottage on Sand Lake, joined cubs, buried his pet hamster Gohan, and discovered America’s Funniest Home Video’s and Malcolm in the Middle. Favorite Show: Zatch Bell. Favorite Music: Crazy Frog
Jan 01
Predictions for the Year 2007
The world is stunned when Canada sentences 17 young misunderstood “startlelists” to its harshest penalty under law – they are to be hung on a “Holiday Tree” until they are happy.
The Americans add the Canadian Bar Association (that’s the lawyers for you guys who drink too much to make the connection) to its list of terrorist organizations. The bar association claims that it is “innocent” and asks the Canadian taxpayers to foot the bill to prove this before settling out of court with the promise that they will get out of the business of defending “startlelists” on the taxpayers dime as soon as the expected glut of same sex divorces kicks in to quaff their “excess” capacity.
Amnesty International charges Canada with human rights violations and torture when they learn that young Canadian Wahhabis wannabes of the explosive variety are being subjected to a steady diet of old Roadrunner vs. Coyote cartoons in a sadistic attempt to scare them straight with graphic depictions of the consequences of playing with explosives and/or to develop their senses of humor.
Lebanon becomes the Canada’s 11th province. PEI is outraged that they will no longer be Canada’s premier destination for the majority of Canadians seeking a summer hot spot.
Canada replaces its long lost title as the Poster Peace Keeper for the Free World with a shiny new internationally recognized and undisputed reputation for being the World’s First and Only Free Travel Insurance Company.
The Canadian Government evacuates 200,000 nude Canadian snowbirds from Florida when an unusual absence of snow and clouds in December leads to a rash of sunburn and heat exhaustion that cannot be treated in the States using Canadian Medicare health insurance. With no ships in the area that can react at light speed as is every Canadian citizen’s right to expect, the Princess Cruise Lines are chartered to whisk the poor wretches back to Canada by way of the Suez Canal and Fiji.
The Princess Cruise lines are written into the Canadian Charter of Rights as the Charter of choice for all future evacuations of Canadian citizens living outside of Canada.
After two years of token gains in the weight loss column, yours truly explodes from the closet in a bid to fashion a new career as the next great Spanish super model.
In a related prediction, body wax and depilatory cream futures rocket to all time highs.
In a last ditch attempt to save western civilization from itself, all North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) members outlaw hyphenation. It is now illegal for anyone to hyphen off the American (or any other) dream by way of radical hyphenation (e.g. Muslim-American, Lebanese-Canadian, Roman-Catholic, etc…)
The FBI is charged with kidnapping under a class action lawsuit from movie watchers everywhere on the grounds that they have stolen as much as 2 days of the average viewers time over the course of any given year as they find themselves locked into the FBI warning screens of their rented and/or purchased DVD’s without the right to a speedy fast forward.
Finally, parents and student violence are no longer the leading cause of job related stress in Canadian schools. A record number of teachers indicate their leading cause for being a little “spaced out” can be attributed to planets that have become planetoids and provinces that have becomes nationoids. A spokesperson complains there is just not enough time in the day to keep up with these changes which include what appear to be optionally random changes in time zones all over North America.
Jan 01
New Year Resolutions 2007
I won’t forget … to look after myself. Doctor, Dentist, Optometrist and Feet – oh, especially the feet and then, by God, I will get back to an exercise regimen that will resurrect my god-like physique – or at least trade my gaudy Buddha body for something a little more Greek goddy.
Ma will resolve to let the kids do their own homework.
Thing 1 resolves to do more sit-ups than I can and, weather permitting, spend a minimum of 40 minutes per day playing alone or together with his brother in the Great Outdoors or else spend the day alone in his room without electricity, batteries or any of his other social demons.
Thing 2 will stop getting upset every-time games don’t go his way. He will lose the privilege of playing any games for 1 day when he storms away without finishing, or 2 days when be throws all or part of said game to prevent others from finishing without him.